![]() ![]() It was so bad my mother made me surrender my tweezers and I lost all tweezer privileges unless accompanied by a woman over 35. My worst over tweeze was in high school where I went all weed whacker on my brows and looked eternally surprised. I have both over tweezed and under tweezed my eye brows. Prickly, stubby hairs staring at you in your 10X magnifying mirror. Once you get them just the way you want them after a grueling tweeze-a-thon they start growing back in. Tights no one should be wearing without a dress. They’ve tried to class up the name a little by calling them “stretch stirrup leggings.” But, don’t be fooled they’re tights. You too can buy a pair for $655 at Bergdorfs. Stella McCartney featured the “pants” in her fall fashion show. Beware shoppers, stirrup pants are making a comeback. I looked like a toddler who had pulled her tights on over her puffy diaper and crammed her fluffy pajama top inside her tights. The fact that I had my blouse tucked in gave me the overall look of a “fashion mullet.” Business up top, crazy fat chick on the bottom. Let’s just say unless you’re a supermodel with legs that resemble Slim Jims you should never ever pull on a pair of stirrup plans. Since the entire escalator wall was mirrored you couldn’t escape looking at yourself. It wasn’t until I saw myself in a mirrored wall as I was coming down the escalator at Foleys that I realized the crime(s) I had been committing. I worked those stirrup pants, wait it gets worse, with a shirt TUCKED, in almost everyday. Lycra, extreme elasticity, a forgiving, non judgmental waistband, no ironing and very, very comfortable to be around. They had everything I require for a long-term relationship. ![]() I was hopelessly in love with stirrup pants. I’m sure their offspring are the ones who are currently hawking the Gap “skinny jean leggings.” Hello, skinny jean leggings are just navy blue freakin tights that cost about four times as much. First, the person or persons who thought up stirrup pants should be put away for life, forced to sew orange prison jumpsuits for eternity. It was a tragic, heartbreaking day when I discovered that stirrup pants were never my fashion friend. Have you ever had an outfit that you just loved to wear, that you thought you looked really great in? Wearing the outfit actually made you feel good and boosted your confidence. Stirrup pants – Dateline: Austin, Texas 1987 I got my brown hair back and have never, ever touched my hair with “at home” bleach products again. Finally after my mother had decided I had suffered enough (which was an entire week) she took me to her hairdresser (or as they said back in the day her beautican or beauty operator) for what we would now call a color correction. I had circus orange hair! The weeping, the wailing, the hours spent in the shower using my Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific shampoo trying to get the orange to wash down the drain. Oh sure, it sounds great just spray it on your hair and presto chango you’re a beautiful Christie Brinkley/Kim Alexis blonde. You might as well spritz your hair with Tilex and go lay out in the sun. Sun In could be the grooming world’s greatest “Fashion No.” I considered it the devil’s urine. In order of severity here are my worst beauty crimes: I can admit that most, if not all, were miserable failures and, pay attention carefully here sweet, sassy mouth daughter of mine and repeat after me, “I should have listened to my mother a whole lot more.” I wanted to rock the New York look while living in Boots R Us Texas. Some were inspired by various issues of the September Vogue magazine. Committed when I deep in the throes of trying to woo a boyfriend back or doing some serious “I’m going to change my image” back-to-school shopping. Yet, all these unlawful acts can and should be forgiven. Yes, I did suffer for beauty and crimes were committed in the name of fashion. ![]() On my daughter’s last trip to grandma’s she went through photo album after photo album of my teen and young adult years and came home with awkward and uncomfortable questions that she wanted answers to like, “Why did you turn your brown hair orange?” It’s at this point I had to sit her down and turn my years of grooming gaffes and fashion felonies into a hard lesson about life. It’s explaining and justifying your decades of beauty crimes. I’ve found something that is harder and more uncomfortable than having the “human reproductive system” talk with your daughter.
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